COME the day of the big talent contest and the Loog National Stadium was packed to the rafters.

Backstage Mick beckoned his colleagues: "Come and listen to this, I don't think Elvis is going down too well."

They could hear someone sounding as if he was on helium singing Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog.

"What's that other noise?" asked Keith.

"That my son is the Loogian version of booing - and you're going to hear a lot more of that as the evening goes on," said Mick.

He triumphantly informed them that all the acts were going to sound like that - all except 'The Rolling Stones'.

Keith and Charlie looked puzzled.

Mick revealed that he had persuaded Tharg to allow him out of the artists' compound. "I told him I needed some relaxation so that our performance would be perfect. He was so petrified that the Emperor would find out we're not the real Stones that he agreed.

"And that's where lady luck - or more precisely the luscious Marianne - played a part. Tharg insisted that Marianne accompanied me so I didn't get into any trouble. I told her I wanted to go somewhere lively and boy did she come up the goods."

Mick explained that they ended up at the Loogian equivalent of a party.

"There were some pretty weird creatures there. It looked like a Star Wars convention for psychopaths but boy did they know how to party."

"No fruit juice then," said Keith.

No, said Mick, but plenty of 'riffwoogie.'

He explained that it was a sort of weed, "you know the stuff those Rastas smoke. When the Loogians take it, it makes them go really funny. They turn purple, roll over on to their backs and start to snort but with humans it makes you sound like that comedian Joe Pasquale but far worse."

"Is that why Elvis?...." asked Keith.

"Elvis and all the other acts," replied Mick. "I told them it's top quality Loogian weed but didn't mention the side effects. They've all had a smoke."

They were then stopped in their tracks as the PA system burst into action and Tharg announced: "And now fellow Loogians and Your Holiness, The Snoop Bopper and esteemed judges, the final act, the fabulous, the fantastic Rolling Stones!"